I haven’t been blogging for so long. This blog has been abandoned aside by me. This period happened so many things that I never expected to happen. I have so many things to say but no one to listen to me. Guess best way is to write them out.
During the trip to Kl this time, I went out dinner with my friends. While we were waiting for our food, we saw some pop cards on the table. Pretty sure the shop prepares for their customers while waiting for their food. They are being quite thoughtful in my opinion as we waited for quite some time for the food. At least we can have something to chat about (nope, this group of friend ain’t ‘low-head group’. They don’t look at their phone unless necessary.) So, there are a lot of funny questions on the pop cards for example, you rather fight with a bear with a gun with one bullet only or knife? There are so many questions that I can’t list down one by one here. We looked through all the questions and came to this card, it says “if you were to relive a day, which day would you choose to?”. Assuming when it says relive meaning we would not realize the fact that we are ‘reliving’ it, we are just going to experience that particular day again.
When I first heard the question, I chose the day when I came back from Perth to attend dad’s funeral. Not to my surprise, my friends were like why would you choose that? Why don’t you choose the day when he was alive? You would have the same good memory again. I know this is weird for me to have that answer isn’t it? The answer came to me without second thought, I’m pretty sure there is reason behind it and of course I did realize about it. When dad was alive, we argued almost every day for anything. Even small matter like the portion of rice that I’m eating, we would argue endless about it. He was worried that I’m eating that little, I was worried that I have gained so much weight from it. Anything, everything.. I even told mum that sometimes, I don’t feel like going home because once im back home, I would just argue with dad. I’m sick of that. Now when I recall back, it’s such a memory. At least he was there to argue with me. He was there for me. I remembered when I had my finals in college, I was so stressed until the point I couldn’t eat and sleep. I was worried if I couldn’t pass my exams and make it to uni. Dad was being dad again, didn’t say too much to me. Only passed a message to me via mum “if you really couldn’t make it to uni, come back home. Dad is able to feed you’. Thanks to dad, this did encourage me to not being that stressful and I m graduated now. Too bad he couldn’t see it by himself.
Anyway, back to the topic, to choose that day as my answer, was due to the fact that, I could sit down and talked properly to dad. I talked to him throughout the night. I told him so many things that I didn’t manage to tell him when he was alive. And things that I wasn’t encouraged enough to tell him face to face. I apologized to him for what I have done wrongly to him. I was sure that he listened to me. I was pretty sure that day our bond between dad and daughter got closer. I promised him that I will take care of the family and take over the responsibility as ‘the man’ of the house. I know he believed in me that I will do my job properly. That should be a day that we talked peacefully after 23years of us being father and daughter. I was beside him over the night, I felt ‘home’. Only then I realized how much I relied on him eventhough I thought I was very independent. This particular day was very heart broken. This could be cruel for my mum and brother, even to me myself and yet I won’t regret to choose to relive this day again and again. At least I was still able to see his face and stayed close beside him.
This is such an emo post. Recently I have been quite emotional. This makes me miss dad more and wished if he was here for me. For a while, I blamed him why was he being so mean to leave us behind so early. He wasn’t even 60 years old when he passed away. Why wasn’t he able to make it for another 10months, not a year but only 10months just to see me graduate? Everyone that knows him told me that dad always waited for me to graduate. He was so proud to show off to his friends that I was studying in university. Since so, why couldn’t he just wait?! He worked so hard just to earn my tuition fee and yet he never achieved his dream which was to see me graduate. I did blame myself for not helping dad achieving his dream. I was thinking, what if I only study a single degree which would only takes me 3 years, and I would make it the year before he passed away. Wouldn’t be the best thing ever? Why would I go for double degree? Why?! I felt so bad for dad. He did so many things for me and I couldn’t even achieve his dream.
He was such a great dad. Too bad I never said ‘I love you’ to him. I didn’t even talk nicely to him when he was alive. What have I done to him? I felt so useless for not being a good daughter to him. Maybe, he punished me for not being a good daughter, so he left us so early to let me learn and take care of the family. If I have behaved well, would he live longer?
I really really do miss my dad. I always imagine one day when the technology gets so advanced until the point that we can talk to dead people, first thing I wanted to say to him is, I’m sorry dad! And I love you! I know this is impossible. People say just say it in your heart and he will listen it. He is always beside you. He will protect and guide you. Just believe it.
I MISS MY DAD SO MUCH!
